Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Two Men — One Beard

First of all, I apologize if I am repeating any of Gibson-OZ's post. I have refrained from reading his post so as not to influence mine.

As you can see from the photo above, we were successful in the impeccable execution of yet another highly technical challenge with the weight of the universe on our shoulders. It's a good thing everything went according to plan because, as I'm sure you noticed, things were getting a bit out of control before the challenge. We even witnessed firsthand the dangerous effects of both Gibsons occupying the same hemisphere when I plugged in the hair clippers and was confronted with a flash of light and a loud pop. Fortunately I was not injured, but my clippers suffered irreparable damage.

The rest of our preparations went without a hitch and before we knew it we were seated at the Kangaroo and Kiwi eying a pint glass of 2/3 Fosters and 1/3 Coors Light. Our wives/photographers were joined this time by a technical supervisor (thanks, Sarah) to ensure that everything was in order. I must say, that as our freshly shaved cheeks touched there was electricity in the air — the electricity of saving the world from total chaos and mass confusion! And when we took that first sip of specially blended macro lager it was like drinking down the insecurities and fears of an entire species. (FYI: fear and insecurities taste pretty vile.) As expected, the power of our mutual beard was just enough to stabilize the wobbly rotation of the earth and keep it on course... at least for now.

In closing I'd like to wish everyone in the states a Happy Thanksgiving. You don't have to thank us when you say grace at the table, but it probably wouldn't hurt.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

A Close Shave

Traveling out of the southern hemisphere was always going to be risky, but as the hour of this latest challenge approached, the sobering gravity of the situation hit home.

To mentally prepare for the event, my wife and able-bodied assistant drove to the wastes of Mukilteo to collect Gibson-US from his place of employment. On the journey back to civilization, we discussed the plan of attack, including the acquisition of razors, which I had neglected to pack in my suitcase.

Having collected the razors, Gibson-US and I adjourned to various bathrooms to prepare our faces. This seemingly simple act was nearly derailed by a dramatic event, which I will leave to Gibson-US to document, seems as he was the one directly in harm's way.

The shaving portion of the challenge complete, we made our way, documentarians/wives in tow, to the Kangaroo and Kiwi on Hwy 99 for the formal execution. Upon entering, I was relieved to see that the decor of the place was very much like your comfortable, suburban Aussie sports bar, rather than the car crash of boomerangs and life size Paul Hogan cut outs I was expecting. We selected a suitable table and proceeded to order the beer, consisting of 1/3 Coors Light and 2/3 Fosters.

Surprisingly, neither the bartender, nor the patrons batted an eye at either our lopsided facial hair or the drain clearing beer combination we ordered. I suspect that due to the growing gravitational imbalance, they were all feeling a little lopsided themselves.

At the appointed hour, Gibson-US and I pressed the newly denuded portions of our faces together, forming a superb double beard, and bravely imbibed the amber concoction, thereby correcting the global imbalance.

While it was essential for the fate of the Earth and all its denizens, it is safe to say that at no future point will I be ordering a Coors Light/Fosters combination. Thankfully, the Kangaroo and Kiwi also serve Bundaberg Ginger Beer, which I used to take the curse off.

As you were.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

When Worlds Collide

In the entire recorded history of mankind, it has only ever happened thrice. But at 0237 GMT on Tuesday, November 24th (1837 on Monday in Seattle, 1337 on Tuesday in Sydney), the Gibsons will come together in the same hemisphere, combining their energy in a Voltronesque fashion, for a massive push against what may possibly be a diabolical threat.

Over the past week, you may have experienced sleeplessness, a slight loss of equilibrium, or a strange compulsion to drive on the wrong side of the road. All of these symptoms could be linked to odd readings we have been picking up from our instruments, ever since Gibson-Oz's departure from the southern hemisphere. While there is no cause for immediate panic, we believe our data to be tracking the early stages of a hemispherical imbalance which, much like a cricket ball given shine on one side by a keen swing bowler, may indicate that the earth is poised to spin off its axis.

To counteract this imbalance, the Gibsons have calculated that they must execute the following challenge:

1) Being bearded, they must shave 1/3 of their whiskers (Gibson-Oz must shave his right side, Gibson-US must shave his left).
2) They must meet in Seattle, at the Kangaroo and Kiwi.
3) They must together order a beer, consisting of 2/3 Australian beer and 1/3 American beer.
4) At the appointed hour (GMT 0237), they must push their faces together, forming an uber beard for increased hemispherical resistance, while simultaneously drinking through straws from the mixed beer.

If all goes well, you should immediately notice a slight drop in wind velocity and/or barometric pressure, followed by a small, yet discernible, sensation of ease.

Please NOTE: As I'm sure you've noticed, the fractions in this challenge are not divided evenly. This is to counteract the vulnerability of the Southern Hemisphere and Australia in particular, given Gibson-OZ's absence. Our data indicates that if we were to shave 1/2 of our beards Australia could spontaneously dissolve into the Indian Ocean. Likewise, if we were to mix our beer with 1/2 Australian and 1/2 American the consequences would be dire. Extremely dire.